


The Vegetable Vampires Stalk at Midnight

by LuckyLadybug



Series: Exit the Fly [19]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 1987)
Genre: Altered Mental States, Gen, Humor, Season/Series 07, Vampires, Vegetables
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 12:36:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9385481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyLadybug/pseuds/LuckyLadybug
Summary: 1987 series, my Exit the Fly verse. An accident with Krang's latest ray causes both him and Vernon to behave in an utterly bizarre manner. Everyone else is baffled.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The characters are not mine and the story is! I have no idea where this utter nonsense came from, but it was a blast to write. And Vincent the Vegetable Vampire is an actual thing. Definitely check out the clip on YouTube if you haven't seen it! It's priceless. This is part of my Exit the Fly verse. Baxter is human again and an ally of the Turtles. His brother Barney works for Shredder.

It was yet another stand-off against Krang and company. And, as many of them did, it was taking place right at Channel 6. Unlike many of them, it was on the roof. Krang himself was present, and he sneered as he held onto Vernon as a hostage.

"Now, Shredder!" he ordered. "Pull the switch!"

"I still think this is an absolutely preposterous idea," Shredder remarked. "Activating this ray so that anyone blasted by it will start following the instructions of whatever is the next thing they'll watch or read . . . !"

"It's a perfect plan!" Krang giggled. "Because once the ray is on top of the broadcasting tower, and once Bebop and Rocksteady activate our new television program, the majority of the city will watch it and fall under our control!"

"Those numbskulls had just better do it right," Shredder growled.

"Give it up, Shred-Head," Michelangelo ordered, twirling a nunchuck overhead. "Do you really think we're just gonna let you go through with this?"

"Unless you want the idiot's neck broken," Shredder replied.

Krang tightened his grip.

Vernon yelped in agony. "Oh please . . . please, please don't do that! I'll activate your television program myself if you'll just spare me!"

"Nice going, Vernon," Raphael growled.

"There won't be any need for anyone to be hurt," Barney insisted as he stepped forward. "Once Mr. Shredder throws the switch, everyone will just peaceably fall under our control."

"Barney, don't talk like that," Baxter pleaded. "It won't be your control anyway. Shredder and Krang will be in charge. You won't have any part of that!"

"Hey, Boss!" Rocksteady suddenly opened the door to the roof. "We've got the program in!"

"Good," Shredder sneered. "Then it's time."

But that split-second distraction was all that the Turtles needed. They charged. "Turtle Power!"

Barney leaped out of the way with his laptop as Shredder slashed at the nearest Turtle in frustrated rage. Krang stumbled backwards, not having expected the attack.

Vernon cried out in alarm. "What are you doing?!" he wailed. "You're going to get me killed!"

"That's right, Turtles!" Krang called, desperate to get them to stop and pay attention. "I'm not letting him go unless you settle down and . . ." He tripped over the cable leading up to the ray and fell heavily against the broadcasting tower. "Oh no."

With a heavy groan, the supposedly secure ray tore free and tumbled towards the roof. As it fell, it activated. Both Krang and Vernon were surrounded by a strange light. They froze, their eyes going blank. Then the device crashed to the roof and they quickly followed suit.

"Krang!" Shredder ran over, his eyes flashing in frustration.

"Krang? Who's Krang?" Krang mumbled.

Vernon had fallen in the opposite direction. He moaned and sat up, holding a hand to his head. "Why did you do that?" he whined to the Turtles. "That thing was going to kill me!"

"He was bluffing, Vernon," said Raphael.

"We don't know that," Leonardo said. "But we attacked because we hoped that we had a chance of safely getting you away from Krang."

"Yeah, and Krang sure got his just desserts now," Raphael chuckled.

"Boss?" Now Bebop was at the door. "Did somethin' go wrong?"

"Yes, something went wrong!" Shredder boomed. "Help me get him up. Barney, you activate the portal!"

Barney quickly typed on the laptop while Bebop and Rocksteady helped Shredder lift Krang's robot body. The portal opened and the villains stumbled through it. Barney moved to follow them.

Baxter stepped forward. "Barney . . ."

"I have to go," Barney told him.

"Were you really okay with their plot?" Baxter asked.

"The ones where they intend to just quietly assume control without anyone really being hurt don't bother me much at all," Barney insisted.

"It's after they have control that people would start getting hurt," Baxter frowned. "Not everyone would be under their spell. And for that matter, brain-washing isn't a very pleasant fate. They might not be physically harmed, but there are other ways of harming someone."

Barney looked away.

Baxter sighed. "But you're certainly aware of that," he quietly continued. "It's just that you're in denial because you're trying to make yourself believe that your current predicament isn't as bad as all that, or maybe that your employers aren't. In my saner moments when I was working for Shredder, I tried to do the same thing."

Barney's eyes flashed. "So you're trying to dig up some more common ground for us, aren't you?" he snapped. "You don't think that maybe I just have a vastly different ideology than you and I really don't care!"

"I know you always boasted of how you wouldn't draw the line at working for criminals," Baxter said. "You proved that true when you accepted that job from Pinky McFingers. But you didn't know what you were getting into when you joined Shredder and Krang. You got in over your head." His voice lowered. "You always tried to be be tough, so unfeeling, but in reality you felt too much and you didn't know how to deal with it."

"I don't have to listen to this," Barney growled.

The laptop changed to Vincent's face. "Someday you'll have to face it, Barney," he said. "Hello, Baxter, old pal!"

Baxter gave a genuine smile to see his old friend. "Hello."

"I don't have time to stay and debate tyranny or my idiocy with you right now, Brother," Barney said with impatience. "I may be needed to run some equipment at the Technodrome if Krang isn't in any shape to do so." He headed for the portal.

Baxter gazed after him in saddened amazement. Barney had made a slip; he had never before referred to himself as being an idiot. He really must be thoroughly frustrated by his choices.

"Bummer," Michelangelo said suddenly as he came up next to Baxter. "I didn't have a chance to talk to Barney."

Baxter gave him a reassuring smile. "Next time, perhaps."

"Yeah," Michelangelo nodded. "It'll have to be."

Baxter turned and walked over to where Raphael had helped Vernon stumble to his feet. "Are you alright, Mr. Fenwick?"

"Yes. No thanks to the Turtles," Vernon snapped.

"Alright, let's go inside," Leonardo cut in before Raphael could snap back.

Donatello lifted the damaged ray. "I'd better take this with us," he said. "I need to make sure the signal didn't get out anywhere. If it did, we might still need this to reverse its effects."

"I don't think it went anywhere except to give Krang and Vernon the shock of their lives," Raphael said.

The other Turtles predictably groaned at Raphael's pun.

****

Inside the building, Vernon soon settled down in his office and began typing on his computer. Irma frowned as she turned to look in at him. "Gee, what's wrong with him tonight?"

"I guess he's sore about Krang using him as a hostage," Raphael said.

Irma's eyes widened. "What?"

"Don't worry; he's fine," Raphael insisted.

"Except for getting blasted by Krang's mondo weird ray," Michelangelo put in.

Irma was about to reply when the strange sounds of a song wafted out to them. _"I'm Vincent, the Vegetable Vampire . . ."_

The Turtles exchanged baffled looks while Irma went over and looked into Vernon's office. "Vernon, what are you doing?!" she exclaimed.

Immediately Vernon grabbed his mouse and clicked something on the computer. The music stopped. "Some joker sent me a link to this video clip," he frowned. "I have no idea why. It's completely ridiculous!"

"Like, what's a vegetable vampire?" Michelangelo blinked.

"A vampire that sucks vegetables dry instead of people?" Raphael snarked.

"That's exactly what it is," Vernon said, rolling his eyes. "Like in that children's book about the rabbit vampire."

"Oh, is that your speed for literature?" Raphael said lightly.

"Come on, Raphael," Leonardo interrupted, although he looked amused. "It's late and we should go."

"I should as well." Baxter looked in at Vernon. "Are you sure you're alright, Mr. Fenwick?"

"I'm fine!" Vernon snorted.

He waited until everyone had drifted away before pressing the Play button on the video again. _"In the nighttime, when tomatoes start to scream . . ."_

He shook his head. "What utter tripe."

****

Krang seemed to be feeling much more like his usual self by the time they arrived back on the Technodrome.

"Alright, alright! I'm fine now!" he snapped, pulling free from Bebop and Rocksteady's grasp.

"Hey! We were just trying to help!" Rocksteady snapped back.

Krang waved his tiny arms. "Another plan ruined!"

"And guess whose fault it was this time," Shredder said.

"Nevermind whose fault it was!" Krang retorted. "That's not important! The important thing is, we've lost the Influencer Ray!"

"We can get it back," Bebop said.

"The Turtles have it!" Shredder snarled. "And our television program as well."

"I want them back!" Krang insisted. "You figure out how to do it while I go to bed." He started to clomp off, but stopped at the sound of strange music coming from Bebop's handheld device. "What's that?"

"Oh, somebody uploaded the old television special of Bunnicula," Bebop said, turning the device around so Krang could see. "It's about this cute little bunny vampire that sucks all the juice out of vegetables and turns them white."

Krang looked at the screen for about two seconds and then away. "You're not supposed to waste valuable power watching stale TV specials about rabbit vampires!" he cried.

"It's not that long," Bebop protested.

"We'll shut things off just as soon as we've finished," Rocksteady promised.

"Ridiculous!" Krang fumed as he left. "Rabbit vampires. What's next? Were-hamsters?"

Shredder looked to Barney, then away. "Why is good help so hard to find?"

"I've wondered that myself," Barney sneered.

****

The Turtles experienced quite a peaceful night's sleep, to their great pleasure and relief. But as they woke up and shuffled into the kitchen for breakfast, Splinter was waiting and appeared both confused and troubled. "Good morning, my students," he greeted.

"Morning, Master Splinter," Michelangelo said with a yawn. "What's the haps?"

"There was a very unusual story on the morning news," Splinter said. "Apparently during the night, something bizarre happened to the vegetables at several supermarkets. In the morning, they had turned white and their juice was gone."

"Like they were drained by a vegetable vampire?" Michelangelo quavered.

Splinter gave him a sharp look. "What is a vegetable vampire?"

"A vampire who drains the juice from vegetables instead of drinking blood?" Michelangelo offered.

"Don't all supermarkets have security cameras these days?" Leonardo asked.

"Yes, and they have footage of a mysterious character dressed in a dark cape picking up the vegetables," Splinter said. "He never faces the camera, but when he sets the vegetables down, they've gone white. The vegetables have already been examined by scientists and they have determined that it is not paint or any other additive. Apparently it has something to do with the complete lack of liquid."

"Mondo bizarro!" Michelangelo exclaimed.

"And nobody saw the guy in person at all?" Raphael raised an eyebrow.

"He came late at night when most of the workers were unpacking shipments in other parts of the store," Splinter said. "One customer remembers seeing him leave, but that is all."

"This has to be the weirdest mystery we've heard about yet," Donatello blinked.

"And like, that's really saying something," Michelangelo added.

"After breakfast, we should go ask April if she knows anything more about it," Leonardo said.

****

Breakfast on the Technodrome was always a strange experience. Bebop and Rocksteady usually had cereal and fought over who got to have the prize in the box. Shredder generally ate a hearty meal of Oriental food, scowling over the nonsensical antics all the while. Barney most often kept to himself and only ate a breakfast sandwich or bacon and eggs with everyone else to avoid spilling food or drink in the laboratory. Krang likewise wasn't fond of joining the bedlam, but he generally did anyway, sooner or later---although at other times he preferred to take nourishment in solitude. On this morning he wasn't yet present.

"Hey, what the heck is this?!" Rocksteady exclaimed as he opened the fridge to look for the milk.

"What's what, you imbecile?" Shredder growled. "Did something spoil in there again?"

"I'm not sure what it did, Boss." Rocksteady held it up. "It almost looks like a white tomato."

"Yeah, and there's these little holes in it right here," Bebop added, pointing to the top.

"What?! Let me see that!" Shredder grabbed the outlandish object and turned it over in his hands as he stared at it. "What on Earth . . ."

Barney leaned over to look. "That is a white tomato," he said. "And those small marks look very much like teeth marks."

Rocksteady gasped. "It's just like in the Bunnicula story!" he exclaimed. "Bunnicula must have come to life and is on the Technodrome!"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Shredder roared. "One of you morons must have sleepwalked out here last night and caused this!"

"Uh, did we do this too?" Bebop pulled open the vegetable bin and stepped back to let everyone see that everything in it was pure white.

Rocksteady grabbed a cucumber. "Me or Bebop couldn't have done this!" he insisted. "The teeth marks are too small!"

"Well, I know I didn't do it!" Shredder rumbled.

"And I most certainly didn't," Barney added.

All eyes turned to Krang as he sleepily clomped into the room. "What are you all staring at?" he frowned. "Did part of my body fall off?" He looked to the robot's hands.

Shredder held the tomato in front of him. "What do you make of this?"

"It's a white tomato," Krang retorted. "So what?"

"We've got a whole bin full of the stuff," said Bebop.

"Yeah! Cucumbers and peppers and carrots and celery . . . and I'm not sure what this thing is." Rocksteady held up what looked like a white lacy handkerchief.

Barney reached for it. "It's a piece of white lettuce," he flatly explained after a moment.

"So why are they all white?" Krang asked.

"Because somebody drained all of the juice out of them, just like Bunnicula!" said Rocksteady.

"And none of the rest of us did it," Shredder said with a pointed look at Krang, who scowled.

"Why would I do it?!" he retorted. "Nobody in their right mind eats that way!"

Bebop gulped. "Maybe it really is Bunnicula."

"Why me?" Krang beseeched the unknown.

"If none of us did this, what really is the explanation?" Shredder frowned.

"Maybe we got hold of some bad vegetables," Krang said impatiently. "Or maybe the fridge is breaking down."

"Everything else is fine," Bebop reported. "It's just the vegetables that are acting up."

"Yeah! And they really do have these little holes like teeth marks!" Rocksteady added. "Or . . . fang marks . . ."

"The solution is simple," Barney said haughtily. "I will take DNA samples from everyone here and determine whose DNA matches that in the vegetables."

"That's not a bad idea," Krang said. "Maybe someone here did this without knowing it."

"How could anyone do this and not know it?!" Shredder shot back, gesturing at the bin.

"They could have been sleepwalking," Krang said.

"Which you already suggested, Mr. Shredder," Barney pointed out.

"I know, I know." But Shredder still didn't look convinced. "Alright, Barney. You may perform your tests. But don't forget to include yourself."

"I won't," Barney sneered.

****

Channel 6 was abuzz with activity when the Turtles arrived. April and Irma looked overwhelmed.

"Hi, guys," April greeted when she saw them.

"Hey, April," said Michelangelo. "What's going on?"

April leaned on Irma's desk. "I'm guessing you heard about the weird situation with the vegetables?"

"We sure did," said Leonardo. "And that somebody apparently did that to them."

Irma hung up the phone in exasperation. "That's the fifth caller who thinks the guy was an alien trying to poison all our food."

"Don't forget the four people who thought he was an alien with a really weird way of eating," April sighed.

"Or the six doomsayers who are certain this event heralds the end of the world," came Baxter's voice. He was just stepping off the elevator with a cardboard box and a stack of heavy paper. Annoyance flickered in his eyes.

"Hey, Baxter!" Michelangelo chirped. "No way, really?!"

"You know how eager people are to claim that something strange means Armageddon is approaching. Hello, everyone." Baxter walked over to the group and set a stack of photographs on Irma's desk. "I've just been to the supermarkets in question. The doomsayers accosted me right outside the last one."

"Yeah, they also think mutants mean the end of the world," Michelangelo said. "They've been getting bent out of shape over us for years."

"I'm glad they didn't realize who I am," Baxter muttered. "I hate to think what kind of a scene they would have made over encountering the former human-fly cross-fusion."

"Oh, gross!" Irma exclaimed. "Are these the vegetables?!" She flipped through the pictures.

"Yes." Baxter's eyes gleamed as he came to attention at her question. "Really, it's quite fascinating. I brought some back to study further." He indicated the box.

"Well, keep them away from me!" Irma cried.

Donatello came around to look over Irma's shoulder. "It is fascinating!" he agreed. "I've never heard of this phenomenon before."

"Of course, you probably haven't heard of vegetables being drained of every drop of juice before, either," Raphael put in.

"True," Donatello admitted.

"I feel like we're in an old horror movie," Michelangelo gulped. "What if the dude doesn't stop at vegetables?" He rubbed his neck.

"There are people who believe themselves to be vampires and behave accordingly," Baxter said. "But this idiot seems to be sticking to vegetables. Judging from how he sneaked about and didn't allow anyone to see him in person, he likely means no bodily harm."

"Man, I sure hope you're right," Michelangelo said.

"Of course, the cost of replacing the vegetables he drained without payment is another matter," Baxter remarked.

The elevator opened again and Vernon shuffled out, looking asleep on his feet.

"Good morning, Mr. Fenwick," Baxter greeted.

"Hi, Vernon," said Irma.

"Is it a good morning?" Vernon groused.

"Vernon, you look awful," April exclaimed. "Didn't you get much sleep?"

"I should have, and I must have, but it doesn't feel like it." Vernon stumbled to his office. "I feel like I was wandering all over town last night."

"Well, if you were, it's too bad you didn't see the Vegetable Vampire," April chuckled. "You could have brought us the exclusive scoop on who he is."

"What are you talking about, April?" Vernon paused at his doorway and looked back with a frown. "There is no such thing as a vegetable vampire. It's just some asinine song from some old children's show."

"Somebody seems to think otherwise," Leonardo said.

"Didn't you hear?" Irma raised an eyebrow. "Some weirdo ran around to a lot of supermarkets and drained their vegetables of all their juice. At least, it looks like that's what happened." She waved the pictures in the air.

Vernon came over to take a look. "Ew, how disgusting! They're all completely white!"

"I wonder if he'll strike again tonight," April mused.

"Some of the supermarkets that weren't hit are concerned he might," Baxter said. "They're planning to have extra employees on hand for the late shift."

"And I'm going to be available in case he shows up!" April determined.

"I guess it sounds about like the kind of story Burne would assign to you," Vernon grunted. Again he headed for his office. "But you can count me out! I'm not going to chase some sick mind all over the city! Who knows what he'd do if cornered!"

"Suit yourself, Vernon," April said. "I guess this is one scoop you won't be trying to beat me to."

"Darn-tootin' I won't." Vernon went into his office and shut the door.

"You know, it's comforting to know that some things never change," said Raphael. "April wants a big story, Vernon's in a bad mood . . ."

"I kinda can't blame the dude in this case," Michelangelo said. "Not enough sleep can make anyone cranky." He gave Raphael a pointed look.

"What?" Raphael retorted.

April looked to Baxter. "You'll be available too, won't you, Dr. Stockman?"

"I'll plan on it," Baxter said. "I'd like to know what's going on myself."

"Count us in too," Leonardo said. "With someone like this running around, no vegetable in the city is safe!"

"And that would be mondo bad news for pizza lovers," Michelangelo said. "No more tomatoes!"

"Or peppers or onions," Donatello added. "Or olives."

"Not that we usually put those on our pizzas," Michelangelo said. "But we're out to keep all pizza toppings safe for everyone!"

"Okay, guys," April laughed. "I'll let you know if the Vegetable Vampire turns up tonight."

"I've gotta admit, I'd like to know what kind of a nut would go around doing something like this," said Irma as she waved the pictures.

"Do you want to come too, Irma?" April asked.

"Well . . . maybe if I'm free," Irma said.

"Oh, please don't tell me you're thinking of trying to get a date with this guy!" Raphael exclaimed.

"Hey, I just want to see what he's like," Irma shrugged. "He must be pretty interesting."

"Yeah, like a complete nutcase is interesting," Raphael retorted. "You're really getting desperate for a man."

"I was desperate years ago," Irma sighed.

"What about you and Howie?" April wondered. "You're pretty good friends and you really seemed smitten with him."

"Howie's so into trying to get his career going," Irma said. "I don't think he has any idea how I feel about him."

"Well, you could, like, tell him," Michelangelo said.

"Maybe someday, if he really makes it," Irma said. "I don't like to complicate his life right now. I haven't seen much of him in a while anyway."

"Yeah, the only men you've had a lot of contact with lately are Baxter, Vernon, and Burne," Raphael said.

Irma colored a bit. "I know." She averted her gaze. "I haven't had a date in ages."

"Coming back to the subject," Baxter suddenly interrupted in impatient concern, "these photographs are for the noon news."

"Right," Irma nodded. "They'll be ready."

"Thank you." Baxter looked to the Turtles. "I have to examine the vegetables I brought in the Channel 6 laboratory. Then I have to type up my report from visiting the supermarkets. I'll see you later."

"See you, Baxter Dude!" Michelangelo chirped.

"Bye, Baxter," Leonardo echoed.

April looked to Irma when Baxter had departed. "You said once that you didn't want to date a scientist," she said, half-playfully. "Do you still feel the same about that?"

"I pretty much do," Irma said. "I'd make an exception for Dr. Stockman if he was interested. He's a real nice guy. But I don't think he is interested. Like a lot of scientists, he's married to his work."

"Yeah, he's not much for the social scene," Raphael agreed. "The classic recluse type. And he's a lot older than you too. He's what, 43?"

"Oh, I don't care about that," Irma said with a wave of her hand. She sighed, propping herself up on an elbow. "And then Vernon. . . . I don't know how I feel about him anymore."

Raphael rolled his eyes. "I know you've been scraping the bottom of the barrel lately, but Vernon?"

"It's not like that," Irma insisted. "I've tried to reach out to him off and on for a while now, just to try to be nice, get him to lighten up, maybe make friends with him. . . . I never really thought it worked. Lately, it's started seeming like maybe at least some of it has. And then those creepy memories we started getting back about Moriarty's messed-up timeline. . . . I guess we really do have some kind of connection."

"Well, before you follow that thought through to completion, I think we had better be going," Raphael said.

"We probably should," Leonardo agreed. "You two have work and we have ninja practice. We'll see you tonight. Probably."

"See you, guys," April said with a wave.

"Yeah. Bye," said Irma.

****

It was night when Barney's tests were complete. He frowned as he studied the results.

"What is it, Barney?" Vincent asked.

"I don't really understand how this is possible," Barney said, "but I've already double-checked to be sure." He held up the printout. "Can you explain this?!"

"No," said Vincent. "What are you going to do?"

"I'll have to go tell the others what I've found." Barney got up and headed out the door.

He wasn't expecting to see Bebop and Rocksteady opening every other door in the hallway. "Yoohoo! Krang!" Rocksteady called. "Where did you go?"

"Yeah! If you're playing hide-and-seek, why don't you come out and tell us so we can play properly?" Bebop added.

"You fools! Krang doesn't play childish games!" Barney scolded.

"Well, he ain't in his room," Bebop said. "He said he was going to take a little nap."

"And now he's wandered off?" Barney waved the printout. "He's the one who drained all the vegetables!"

Rocksteady looked horrified. "Krang is a vampire?!"

"What's going on here?" Shredder boomed. "What's all this nonsense about Krang?" He stomped to the head of the corridor and stood with arms akimbo, glowering at his crew.

"I don't know how or why, but Krang is the one turning the vegetables white," Barney told him.

"What?! And now he's taken a transport!" Shredder cried. "I just found one missing!"

"Uh oh." Bebop looked to Rocksteady. "Do you think he's going to start biting people next?"

"He's probably going to look for some more vegetables since we're out of fresh ones," Rocksteady replied.

"We'll have to take another transport and go looking for him," Barney insisted. He dove back into his laboratory and emerged seconds later with his laptop.

"Ugh! I suppose we will," Shredder growled. "But what will we do when we find him?"

"Let's worry about that when we see what he's doing," Barney answered. He pushed past Shredder and headed for the main control room.

"That miserable blob of brains," Shredder muttered. "What else is he going to get into?"

****

The Turtles were watching The Lost Skeleton Returns Again when April's call came in.

"Hi, guys," she greeted when she saw them all gathered around the Turtle-Comm. "It looks like our vampire just struck again. He was just seen leaving a supermarket in Midtown."

"Oh great," Raphael said. "And I'm assuming he left a trail of white vegetables in his wake?"

"You could say that," April agreed. "Now it looks like he's heading for the Wal-Mart by the Floxy Theatre! Irma, Dr. Stockman, and I are following him!"

"We'll meet you there," Leonardo promised.

Splinter entered the room as they got up and prepared to leave. "Take caution, my students," he implored. "Many strange situations are not always what they appear to be."

"Hey, we've sure learned that by now," Raphael said.

"But what do you mean in this case, Master Splinter?" Leonardo asked.

"I simply mean that you had best not go after this person with any pre-conceived notions," Splinter said. "It is even possible that he is a victim himself."

Raphael snorted. "I don't know how. He's busting into stores late at night and sucking vegetables dry without paying! He's a jerk if nothing else."

"We shall see," Splinter said.

Leonardo nodded. "We'll be careful, Master."

****

They pulled up at the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market around the same time the news van did. And up ahead, walking down the sidewalk, was a mysterious figure in a long black cape and high collar.

"Yep, he thinks he's a vampire, alright," Raphael said dryly.

"This is great!" April exclaimed. "I've been filming him this whole time. He never turned around once! I might even be able to get some footage of him draining the vegetables!" She climbed out of the van, followed by Irma and Baxter.

"Yeah, that would be a Pulitzer Prize winner right there," said Raphael.

"Oh, you're starting to sound like Vernon," April scolded.

"Perish the thought," Raphael said with a gaze Heavenward.

The group followed the stranger inside, where he made a beeline for the Produce department. When he grabbed a tomato and started to slurp at it, April tried to walk around to get a better view.

"April, he's gonna see you!" Michelangelo hissed.

"That's probably the idea," Irma remarked.

"Excuse me, Sir," April said. "Would you mind telling us what you're doing and why?"

"Why?" he purred in an eerily familiar, deep voice. He held out the tomato for April to look at. "That's easy." And suddenly he flung his arms wide and turned to face the entire group.

April fell back in shock. "Vernon?!" she shrieked in disbelief.

"What the heck?!" Irma chimed in.

". . . Okay," said Raphael. "There's weird, there's bizarre, and then there's this."

Vernon showed no recognition of any of them. Instead, he broke into song. _"I'm Vernon, the Vegetable Vampire! In the nighttime when tomatoes start to scream, it's only Vernon the Vegetable Vampire, creeping through the garden of your dreams."_

While everyone could only stare, words completely lost to them, Vernon danced amid the produce bins as he sang his version of the song he had heard the previous night. He held up a cucumber and bit into it, looking for all the world like a vampire with his prey. He made silly puns of potatoes closing their eyes. And he claimed responsibility for stalking the celery.

"Hey," said Raphael. "If the material hadn't already been used forty years ago, I'd say Vernon was actually pretty creative for once."

No one replied. They were all too busy gaping at their Vegetable Vampire. When Vernon finished the song with a flourish and bit into a tomato, he was met with several pairs of utterly scandalized eyes.

". . . Gee," Irma finally said. "I didn't know Vernon could sing."

That broke the ice.

"What the heck are you doing, Vernon?!" Raphael demanded. "What's with this song and dance about draining veggies dry to get your daily requirement of vitamins?!"

"And what's with not paying for them, Dude?" Michelangelo frowned. "That's like, mondo uncool."

Baxter studied Vernon for another long moment. "I don't think he's even aware of what he's doing."

"What?!" Raphael turned to look at him. "Okay, now you've really flipped. He's right here in front of us. He told us exactly what he's doing. And he's showing us at the same time! Not aware of it, ha!"

"I believe he's doing all of this in an altered state of consciousness," Baxter replied.

Donatello's eyes widened. "He got hit with Krang's ray last night!"

"That's right," Leonardo gasped. "And then he came back to the studio and watched that Vegetable Vampire video clip someone sent him!"

"The ray was supposed to make people do whatever they saw in the next thing they watched after being hit by the ray," Baxter said. "Mr. Fenwick is doing exactly that."

"Then Master Splinter was right!" Leonardo gasped. "He is a victim too!"

"I thought the ray wouldn't have its effect on him when it was damaged," Donatello said in chagrin. "I should have realized something like this might happen!"

"I should have as well," Baxter frowned. "I guess when he didn't immediately start behaving like a lunatic while he was watching the video clip, I assumed he was alright."

"Well," said Michelangelo, "at least you know now?" He stared as Vernon continued to drain the tomato dry. It was turning white in his hands. "Mondo bizarro."

"That's great and all that you've figured out what happened," April exclaimed. "But what do we do with Vernon now?!"

"Yeah," Irma added. "We can't just let him be arrested."

"How about we try and wake him up?" Michelangelo suggested.

"Oh no. Are you going to dump water on him again?" Raphael sighed.

"It worked before," Michelangelo shrugged.

"But you'll get the floor all wet," April objected. "Someone might slip!"

"Well, how about just this?" Michelangelo grabbed a small bottle of water off a display and splashed some of it in Vernon's face.

Immediately Vernon reacted. "Oh! What are you trying to do to me?!" But then he blinked, really taking in his surroundings. "Wait. Where are we?"

"Inside a Wal-Mart after midnight," Irma said matter-of-factly. "You were draining that tomato of all its juice."

Vernon stared at the half-white vegetable in his hand. "I was . . . what? No, that's impossible! I'm supposed to be home in bed!"

"'Supposed to be' being the key phrase here," said Raphael.

"Sorry, Vernon," April said sympathetically. "You really are the Vegetable Vampire. I have footage of you draining vegetables and singing about it right here." She patted her camera.

Vernon went as pale as Count Dracula. "I sang about it?!"

"Oh yeah," said Raphael. "You pulled out all the stops."

"Actually, Vernon, you sing pretty good," Irma interjected.

Vernon looked back to April in horror. "And you're going to give that footage to Mr. Thompson?!"

"Well, it is news." April went over and took his arm. "Come on, Vernon. Let's get out of here before you get arrested."

"Arrested?!" Vernon wailed. "For what? Cruelty to a tomato?!"

"Try 'not paying for your merchandise,'" Raphael said. "And maybe vandalism."

"Oh. . . ." Vernon let April lead him out, but he was barely paying attention. "My career is ruined! To say nothing of my life!"

"Relax, Vernon," Irma said. "It's not as bad as all that."

"It's probably worse," Raphael muttered. "Who wants to have 'I was a vegetable vampire' on their resume?"

"Raphael," Leonardo scolded. But he looked amused.

Baxter's phone rang and he answered it as they walked outside. He hung up after a moment with a frown. "Apparently Mr. Fenwick is not the only one assaulting produce," he announced. "There's just been a report of a hulking figure exiting a Wal-Mart Supercenter after performing the same sort of nonsense."

"What." Raphael stared at him. "This night just keeps getting better and better. Who the heck could that be?!"

"Maybe this guy can take some of the heat off of me," Vernon hoped.

"He's probably a victim too," April retorted. "Did you get the address, Dr. Stockman?"

"Yes. It's not that far from here," Baxter told her. "If we hurry, we might be able to catch up with him."

"Then let's do it!" April gently pushed Vernon into the news van and climbed into the driver's seat. Baxter and Irma got in as well.

"We'll follow your lead," Raphael said.

****

The two vans were just passing a Super Target when the occupants saw a strange character in a cape up ahead, lumbering through the doors.

"Do you think that's him?" Michelangelo wondered.

"He matches the description," Raphael shrugged. "And oh look, he's trying to be Dracula too."

"Let's find out who he is!" Leonardo leaped out when Donatello parked and hurried after the figure. The other Turtles followed suit.

The news crew was preparing to dash in after them when a transport module suddenly broke through the pavement right in front of them. "What on Earth?!" Baxter exclaimed.

They watched as Shredder, Barney, and Bebop and Rocksteady all climbed out and and rushed for the doors. April grabbed her camera and began to film. "This is really weird!" she declared. "What are they all doing here?!"

"Do we have to find out?" Vernon cringed.

"Yes," Irma insisted. "But you can wait here if you want to, Vernon."

Vernon contemplated the thought of staying alone in a parking lot in the middle of the night. "No, I'll come with you," he decided.

Baxter was already getting out of the van. "Barney!" he called. "What's going on?"

Barney glanced back at him. "I can't talk right now!" he called back.

Both groups went inside and headed for the Produce department. Just as they arrived, the Turtles were coming upon the hulk bending over a display of carrots.

"Do you think we'll get treated to another concert when we corner him?" Michelangelo whispered.

"Oh, I hope not," Raphael said with a roll of his eyes.

"Only one way to find out!" Leonardo marched forward in determination. "Excuse me, Sir . . ."

The man straightened up, throwing off his dark cape as he turned to face them. All three groups gawked.

"I am Krang-nicula!" Krang shrieked in glee as he raised both tiny arms into the air. His robot body copied his movements.

Dead silence followed.

Raphael was the one to break it. ". . . Yeah. We've got a problem."

****

It was a bizarre scene in the parking lot of the Super Target. Krang was happily draining a carrot while Barney studied him and rapidly typed into his laptop. Donatello and Baxter likewise were comparing notes.

"Well, it's obvious what happened," Donatello said. "Both Krang and Vernon were blasted by that ray and now they're both suffering the effects of it."

Barney nodded. "Bebop and Rocksteady showed him some outlandish television special they were watching about a rabbit vampire named Bunnicula. Apparently, even though he only saw several seconds of it, that was enough to stay in his mind and cause him to act on it in his sleep."

"And you Turtles have the ray!" Shredder fumed.

"I've got it in the Turtle Van," Donatello said. "We'll need to try to repair it so we can use it to reverse the effects on both Krang and Vernon. We don't want this to happen again."

"Yeah!" Michelangelo agreed. "I don't think the city's vegetable supplies could take it!"

Shredder looked furious to have to accept help from the Turtles on the matter. "How long will it take you to get it ready?!" he demanded.

"It depends on how damaged it is," Donatello said. "Baxter and I'll work on it together." He climbed into the back of the Turtle Van. Baxter took one final look at the situation before he followed.

Vernon sat on the passenger seat in the news van, still despondent and discouraged. "You see, April?" he said in frustration. "These are the kinds of messes I get into because of your association with the Turtles. This never would have happened if those supervillains hadn't tried to install their bizarre ray on top of the Channel 6 building! They wouldn't even know about us if not for your friendships with the Turtles!"

"This probably would have happened regardless of the Turtles," April retorted. "Krang felt our signal had the best range. He would have used some other network if he'd felt theirs was better."

"Always with the excuses," Vernon snorted.

"Vernon, I'm really sorry this happened," April said. "But it's not the Turtles' fault. If you have to blame someone, why don't you blame Krang? It was his ray."

"Yeah, and like, he was the one who tripped and made it fall down on you guys," Michelangelo said.

"I suppose," Vernon frowned.

Bebop and Rocksteady watched as Krang finished the carrot and went for another. "Gee, he really likes those things," Rocksteady said. "Do you think he thinks he's a cute little bunny rabbit?"

"Maybe he does," Bebop said. "It's too bad we have to reverse the ray's effects."

"You morons! We can't leave him like this!" Shredder fumed. "We'd be chasing all over town for him every night!"

"I guess that would be inconvenient," said Bebop.

"More than inconvenient! It would be absolutely idiotic!" Shredder snarled. "There wouldn't be any time left to conquer the world!"

"Not that we ever really do that anyway," Bebop said.

"Oh shut up," Shredder growled.

At last Donatello and Baxter emerged from the Turtle Van, carrying the ray between them. "Okay, I think we've thrown it in reverse now," Donatello said.

"Mr. Fenwick, you'll have to come stand by Krang again," Baxter directed. "I don't know if there's enough energy left in it for two separate blasts."

Vernon scowled. "More's the pity." But he went.

When they were standing side by side, Donatello turned on the ray and Baxter aimed it. Again Vernon and Krang yelped in pain when they were hit. Once Donatello turned the ray off, they both fell backwards.

"Oh . . . that was terrible," Vernon moaned. "For all our trouble, this had better have fixed it."

"I guess we won't know until you fall asleep again," Raphael said dryly.

Krang blinked in confusion. "Why am I holding a carrot?"

"You were eatin' it, Krang," Bebop told him. "Kind of."

"Yeah! You were draining it of all its juice, just like Bunnicula!" Rocksteady added.

"What?! Oh no." Krang stared at the white carrot already on the ground.

"It's because of that ridiculous ray of yours!" Shredder roared. "None of this would have happened if you hadn't come up with such an idiotic scheme!"

"Well, we're not going to let you have the chance to use it again," Leonardo declared. He sliced the ray in half with his katana. It sizzled and sparked as it fell to the ground.

"Good riddance!" Shredder snapped. "Let's go." He stomped back to the module.

Bebop and Rocksteady followed. Krang trailed after them, still looking shaken and confused. Barney closed his laptop and moved to take up the rear.

Michelangelo chased after him. "Hey, Barney, wait up!"

Barney turned, regarding the Turtle in impatient bewilderment and perhaps a bit of apprehension. "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to tell you something." Michelangelo looked firmly into his eyes. "I forgive you."

Barney gawked at him. "You what?"

"I forgive you," Michelangelo repeated. "You know, for doing what you did to me with Krang's goose. I wanted you to know that."

For a long moment Barney had no words. He stood staring at Michelangelo, really looking shaken. Finally he said, "Then you're a fool." And he turned, hurrying into the module. Within moments it had disappeared into the ground.

Michelangelo sighed. "Well, I tried."

Baxter came up beside him. "You did all you could, Michelangelo. It definitely had an effect. He wouldn't have left in such a rush if it hadn't."

Raphael walked over to them as well. "I can't believe you told that creep that," he said.

"I didn't just say it," Michelangelo protested. "It's the truth!"

Raphael's shoulders slumped. "I know. And that is the most unbelievable part of it. But . . . you wouldn't be you if you didn't feel that way."

Leonardo smiled kindly. "It's a great trait to have, Michelangelo. Many people struggle with what comes naturally to you. I just hope it will help Barney to be able to find his way."

"Me too, Amigo," Michelangelo said. "The dude deserves another chance, just like Baxter did."

"But unlike Baxter, he doesn't take the chance," Raphael retorted. "He could have come back with us when we found him on the mountain."

"I can't blame him for not wanting to," Baxter said. "And Krang really did have the technology to heal him more quickly. Maybe that time, it was important for him to go back with them. He might have been far worse off by the time we could have got him back to the city."

Michelangelo nodded. "I want to think of it like that."

"Then you should," Leonardo said. "And we should all go home. It's late."

Vernon plodded back to the news van. "Oh yes, by all means. Let's bring on my doom a little faster." He sank inside and covered his face with his hands.

Michelangelo frowned. "You know, I actually feel kinda sorry for him this time. It wasn't his fault Krang decided to take him as a hostage. That's how come he ended up getting blasted by the ray."

"I wouldn't waste too much energy feeling sorry for him for any reason," Raphael replied. "He's a creep, so when bad things happen to him, he's just getting his just desserts for it."

"Maybe that works when he's actually done something bad, but he really wasn't trying to this time," Michelangelo said. "Mr. Thompson really might fire him when it comes out."

"Don't worry about Vernon," April interjected. "He'll be fine." She winked and headed for the news van.

"I wonder what she meant by that," Michelangelo mused.

Baxter looked thoughtful. "We'll see."

****

Vernon had a difficult time dragging himself to work the next morning. He had slept very poorly, afraid that the ray hadn't worked and he would go out draining more vegetables if he fell asleep. It didn't help either that he was sure he would go in only to be fired. The entire city would shun him for such a humiliation. What understanding would they have that he had been under the influence of Krang's bizarre invention? They would just know that he had committed countless acts of vandalism and sung about it.

At last, knowing he had to face the music, he managed to get ready and drive to the Channel 6 building. When he got there, to his horror he found April right in the middle of a broadcast. He shrank into the shadows, not wanting to watch yet unable to make himself leave.

"The mystery of the vegetables that were being drained of all their liquid has been resolved," she was saying. "Apparently it was the work of two unidentified males who were sleepwalking. They have received the proper help and it's unlikely that the city will see another similar incident."

Vernon fell back in stunned disbelief. He turned, stumbling out of the studio and back to his office.

April knocked on his door moments later. "Vernon? Can I come in?"

"Suit yourself," Vernon answered.

April entered, shutting the door behind her. "Irma said you'd come in while I was doing my broadcast."

"I did." Vernon looked up at her. "Why didn't you take the chance to ruin me?! It would have been so perfect for you. You know the truth. You even have the footage! And you didn't use any of it."

"I don't want to ruin you, Vernon," April replied. "Sure, I want to be a hotshot reporter, but not that way. It wouldn't have given me any satisfaction to rip you apart on the air, especially when what happened wasn't even your fault. I've already checked with the supermarkets. Their security footage of you last night still doesn't show who you are. I'm the only one who can positively prove it." She held out a tape. "Here's the footage I took."

Vernon stared at her in renewed shock. "You're just giving this to me?!"

"I don't have any use for it." April set it on his desk.

Vernon slowly picked it up. ". . . I can't say that I wouldn't have tried to ruin you, were the situation reversed."

"Maybe you would have," April agreed. "But maybe you wouldn't have. Surprisingly, you're not always a rat. And in any case, your behavior wouldn't affect how I'd handle this situation." She paused. "And by the way, Vernon, your singing actually isn't that bad. Maybe that's something you should think about pursuing further."

With that she turned and walked out.

For a long time Vernon sat where he was, staring at the tape in his hands. April had held his future in her grasp and she had chosen to give it back to him. There hadn't been any reason for her to do that, particularly considering how Vernon had often treated her. He didn't know what to make of that.

He set the tape down, propping himself up on his clasped hands as he leaned on his desk and pondered.


End file.
